Out Of Sorts

I am feeling out of sorts today.  I can't seem to get it together.  I know that I am not the only one that goes through this at times.  I feel like I am never listened to and that I am not really cared about.   It started with me feeling ignored and when I tried to talk about it I couldn't seem to put it into the right words so everything came out jumbled which upset him.  I know he wasn't actually trying to ignore me but I was PMSing and I know that is part of the problem.  I just feel like we are barely taking anymore and so basically I am just feeling out of sorts.  When I begin to feel this way, I start to draw back and go into my shell because it feels safer there.  In there it's harder to get hurt.  I have more control over who can get close enough to hurt me.  I know that when I do this then it causes more distance in the relationship so I am trying hard not to do this.

 

My husband is a good man, a great father and I know that he loves me.  I just wish I could figure out why this happens.  It makes me feel like I am broken unable to function normally.  I feel like either there is something wrong with me for feeling this way when it's not true or that it is true and that I am so broken that I can't be fixed.  Then I remind myself to take a step back and remember that no matter what I am a daughter of The KING loved beyond comprehension and that what I am really hearing is just tapes in my head that sometimes I hit the play button on and sometimes the devil does but that's all they are just tapes.  Just lies and falsehoods trying to assert themselves to trying me up to cause me to stumble and begin to doubt who I am in Christ and who He has made me to be.  So today I choose not only to hit the stop button on those tapes but the delete button also.  I will no longer listen to those things that have been said to me in the past.  I am not broken but with God's grace and mercy I am healed and whole.  I am not unlovable but loved beyond my understanding and because God is not here in the physical to love on me he has given me a husband, children and friends who do love me.  I am not worthless but am a prize a precious Gem, the apple of his eye.  And how do I know this because  Deuteronomy 32:10 says he kept him as the apple of His eye and Zech. 2:8 says for he that toucheth you toucheth the apple of My eye.

Lord today please, keep me as the apple of your eye and hide me under the shadow of your wings Psalm 17:8

 

Afraid To Be Happy

I know that title sounds funny but that's really what I wanted to talk about for a minute.  Last night I was laying in bed talking to JD.  We were having one of the discussions that can come after a rough period in life.  You know the type where you just talking about all that you faced and all that you came through.  For us it had started almost 2 years before when things just got crazy and wild and went went from outside problems to what I refer to as inside problems.  We allowed what was happening in the "outside" world (anything outside our marriage)  to affect our "inside" world (Our marriage).  There were times over the last few months when we both doubted if we would do this I think it was just our belief in a covenant marriage, some folks who wouldn't allow us to walk away and God's amazing never-ending unfailing GRACE  that have helped us to where we are today (in love).

During our conversation last night I started to tear up and realized that I was scared.  Things are going great.  I love my family, my job, my church.  I was just waiting for the next crisis.  I realized that since childhood I have never had a long period of time where there is just calm and peace in my life and now that it is happening I didn't know what to think or how to handle it.  I had been so convinced that I did not deserve happiness that I had bought into that and at times even sacrificed my happiness and self-fulfilled the prophecy.

As that all rushed in on me last night, I just paused and praise Jesus for this revelation!  I am a daughter of the King a princess in His court, my adoption into Gods family means that I do get to be happy and not just when things are going well but when things are rough too.  I don't have to live in fear of the next bad thing that is going to happen but to trust in God and allow him to lead my steps.  I can have peace and joy no matter what.  I am no longer afraid to be happy!