Looking Back

The last 2 years have been very difficult on out family.  We have had some very high ups and some very very low lows.  Yet, as I've spent the last week looking back over them I can't help but to have seen some tremendous growth.  I'm more sure of who I am now then I have ever been in the past.  I no longer feel then need to fit someone else's vision for my life.  Truth be told my life doesn't even fit my vision for my life! It's not quite there yet but my life is on it's way to fitting God's vision for my life.  And that has made all the difference.  If you would have told me 5 years ago that I was going to be a stay at home mom who was home schooling, learning to sew and knit and was perfectly content, I would have laughed at you.  It's true though, I am happy with what I am doing.  I am working hard at finding ways to help us live frugal so that I can continue in this.

I know what kind of family I want to have.  I know how important my children are to me and that raising them is my number 1 goal in life for right now.  I know that I want to be actively involved in the raising of them, I want to raise up godly young men who know how to be responsible and take care of their families, that know how to love theirs wives and children but above all of that my goal is to raise up men who know how to, love, worship and serve God.

The past 2 years have also taught me a lot about studying God's word and seeing what it has to say for myself.  I never thought I would be one of those Pentecostal women who believed in dresses only and not cutting your hair or wearing jewelry but again here I am!  Happy and more free then I have ever been before. I have learned that being a Christian is not about rules or judging but about a personal relationship (something I had never understood before) .  It's not about how I am feeling but about worshiping anyways!  It's not about how other people see me but about how the one who created me sees me!

I am looking forward to 2011 knowing that with the Lord on my side though it may not always be easy it will always be fruitful!

Out Of Sorts

I am feeling out of sorts today.  I can't seem to get it together.  I know that I am not the only one that goes through this at times.  I feel like I am never listened to and that I am not really cared about.   It started with me feeling ignored and when I tried to talk about it I couldn't seem to put it into the right words so everything came out jumbled which upset him.  I know he wasn't actually trying to ignore me but I was PMSing and I know that is part of the problem.  I just feel like we are barely taking anymore and so basically I am just feeling out of sorts.  When I begin to feel this way, I start to draw back and go into my shell because it feels safer there.  In there it's harder to get hurt.  I have more control over who can get close enough to hurt me.  I know that when I do this then it causes more distance in the relationship so I am trying hard not to do this.

 

My husband is a good man, a great father and I know that he loves me.  I just wish I could figure out why this happens.  It makes me feel like I am broken unable to function normally.  I feel like either there is something wrong with me for feeling this way when it's not true or that it is true and that I am so broken that I can't be fixed.  Then I remind myself to take a step back and remember that no matter what I am a daughter of The KING loved beyond comprehension and that what I am really hearing is just tapes in my head that sometimes I hit the play button on and sometimes the devil does but that's all they are just tapes.  Just lies and falsehoods trying to assert themselves to trying me up to cause me to stumble and begin to doubt who I am in Christ and who He has made me to be.  So today I choose not only to hit the stop button on those tapes but the delete button also.  I will no longer listen to those things that have been said to me in the past.  I am not broken but with God's grace and mercy I am healed and whole.  I am not unlovable but loved beyond my understanding and because God is not here in the physical to love on me he has given me a husband, children and friends who do love me.  I am not worthless but am a prize a precious Gem, the apple of his eye.  And how do I know this because  Deuteronomy 32:10 says he kept him as the apple of His eye and Zech. 2:8 says for he that toucheth you toucheth the apple of My eye.

Lord today please, keep me as the apple of your eye and hide me under the shadow of your wings Psalm 17:8